RandBall

Michael Rand started RandBall with hopes that he could convince the world to love jumpsuits as much as he does. So far, he's only succeeded in using the word "redacted" a lot. He welcomes suggestions, news tips, links of pure genius, and pictures of pets in Halloween costumes here, though he already knows he will regret that last part.

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TFD: Local restaurant to offer Derek Jeter "Lifetime in Hell" as retirement gift

Posted by: Michael Rand Updated July 4th at 8:12am

jeterhellskitchenWhat do you get the man who has everything? Well, if the man is retiring Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, one local restaurant thinks that the answer is a Lifetime in Hell.

But they mean it in a good way.

Hell’s Kitchen, a downtown Minneapolis establishment that also provides catering and meals for the Twins and visiting clubhouse at Target Field, will present that very thing to Jeter, according to HK Vice President Pat Forciea.

What does it entail? A “Lifetime in Hell” card granting a free meal at the restaurant for Jeter whenever he is in town. We’re not sure how often he will be here after this year, but you never know.

Forciea said Hell’s Kitchen intends to present the offer, as well as a full gift pack, to the Yankees clubhouse attendant on Friday before the second game of a four-game series between the Twins and Yankees.

There’s a great joke about Jeter and gift baskets waiting to be made, but we’ll leave that to you clever folks in the comments.

For now: Clever idea, Hell’s Kitchen. If your aim was publicity, you earned it.

Maybe Kevin Love is skipping the celebrity softball game for yoga?

Posted by: Michael Rand Updated July 4th at 8:15am

Kevin Love dropped out of the celebrity softball game during the All-Star festivities at Target Field because of a “conflict.” That rather broad term leaves plenty to the imagination, but perhaps Love has to attend to matters involving the ancient Hindu discipline of yoga?

A photo of Love doing yoga is the lead on a big SI.com piece about more athletes, specifically NBA players, believing in the craft.

Most notable among NBA yogis is LeBron James, who recently credited an early-morning class for his ability to beat cramps in Game 2 of the NBA Finals against the Spurs. The league’s all-time minutes leader, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, is also outspoken about his zeal for yoga, saying it was a big reason he was able to play as long and successfully as he did. In addition, Kevin Love, Dwayne Wade (sic), Kevin Durant, and Kevin Garnett are all open about their yoga practice and have frequently spoken about its benefits for basketball.

There you have it: at least the possibility that yoga, and nothing more sinister such as a desire to be traded and/or a fear of being booed lustily, is the reason for Love’s cancellation.

Thursday (Kevin Correia has been as advertised) edition: Wha' Happened?

Posted by: Michael Rand Updated July 3rd at 9:42am

kcIt was fashionable before the 2013 season to rip the Twins for signing starting pitcher Kevin Correia. He wasn’t quite a journeyman, having pitched for three teams since making his debut in 2003, but he was a classic low-upside, pitch-to-contact guy. There was nothing special about any of his previous seasons. For two years and a relatively modest $10 million total, the Twins were banking on getting a rotation filler: a guy who would take the ball every fifth day and grind his way through six innings.

How you view that kind of pitcher likely shaped how you felt about the signing. A rotation with five Kevin Correias is not going to be very good. A rotation where Kevin Correia is arguably your best starter — as was the case in 2013 — is almost certainly not going to be very good.

But we’ve seen Correia make 48 starts now for the Twins spanning one-and-a-half seasons. We would describe him as this: credible, and as-advertised. Wednesday was the perfect example of what he brings to the table: Correia teetered on the brink of a huge inning in the second but managed to give up just two runs to the Royals in the frame. Those turned out to be the only two runs allowed in a solid six innings, and the fact that he lost his 10th game of the year was through very little fault of his own.

His ERA for the season is below 5 now, and it’s more like 3.50 over his last nine starts after a rough opening stretch. He hasn’t been the Twins’ best starter this season; Phil Hughes and Kyle Gibson have been much better, while the Twins should hold out hope that Ricky Nolasco’s end-of-year numbers are better than Correia’s numbers.

In a perfect rotation, there is no Correia. But as imperfect as the Twins pitching has been in recent years, they could have done a lot worse than signing a guy who has been very much as-advertised.

TFD: NHL player reportedly arrested for repeatedly grabbing a police officer's butt

Posted by: Michael Rand Updated July 3rd at 6:56am

We could work in this industry for the rest of our lifetime and we might never have the chance to write a lead to a story as wonderful as this. Per the Ottawa Sun:

Philadelphia Flyers star Claude Giroux has been released from jail after being arrested for allegedly grabbing the buttocks of a police officer.

You have our attention. Please tell us more!

A witness and sources say the incident occurred at The Great Canadian Cabin in the Byward Market club district. They say officers on routine patrols were inside the bar when one officer had his butt grabbed by a patron. The officer told the patron not to behave like that, but was grabbed again.

“We are aware of reports surrounding Claude Giroux.” Flyers GM Ron Hextall said in a statement to Philadelphia media. “Until we have more information, we will withhold making any further comment.”​

What if Twitter existed: The 1991 World Series

Posted by: Michael Rand Updated July 2nd at 2:12pm

randmid_1403705018_maddogA week ago, we had this idea: create a series of posts based on events in the past and imagine how they might have “blown up Twitter,” as the kids like to say, if Twitter had been around then.

You gave us several very good suggestions for ground to cover. The next step was coming up with a format, and we decided on this: creating a cast of fictional mostly Minnesota-based Twitter characters, with fake tweets, to cover the five biggest moments of each event we pick. With that in mind, our first topic is the 1991 World Series:

HRBEK PULLS GANT OFF THE BAG

Average Minnesota guy: THAT’S WHY WE LOVE U HRBIE!!!!

Minnesota guy who makes obvious jokes: Is this wrestling or is this baseball? Who cares, I love it!

Minnesota fan who never sees it the other way: Gant’s momentum obviously carried him off the bag. Good call. #noharmnofoul

BRAVES WIN GAME 4 ON JERRY WILLARD SAC FLY

Average Minnesota guy: JERRY WHO? #ComeOn

Minnesota guy who takes things too seriously: Jack Buck? More like Joke Buck. Pretty close play at the plate to say it’s “gonna be a winner.”

Sports business guy: Jerry Willard wasn’t even on the Braves’ opening day roster and is making the MLB minimum. #value

PUCKETT’S HOME RUN WINS GAME 6

Minnesota fan who thinks mashing on the keyboard is a funny way to show excitement: aklsdjfkl;jasdfkl;jsdfnsdaklf;sdnfkl;aklsdjfdsaas

99 percent of Minnesotans on Twitter: I can’t take another night of this.

LONNIE SMITH/CHUCK KNOBLAUCH PLAY

Legitimately clever Minnesotan: They call Lonnie Smith “skates,” and that was an awkward power stop.  #hotsportstakes #hotsportsskates

Minnesotan who had no idea of the future: I will 4ever love Chuck Knoblauch after that play. #rookieoftheyear

GENE LARKIN WINS IT IN THE 10TH INNING OF GAME 7

RandBallsStu: I need a drink and a cigarette.

Carefully composed tweet guy: The first six heart attacks were totally worth the seventh one. WORLD CHAMPS

Going to be sad in the future guy: Winning is fun! Let’s do this all the time!

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Chicago Cubs - WP: B. Parker 6 FINAL
Cincinnati - LP: J. Hoover 4
Philadelphia - WP: D. Buchanan 9 FINAL
Milwaukee - LP: M. Garza 1
Oakland - WP: S. Kazmir 6 FINAL
San Francisco - LP: T. Hudson 1
Chicago WSox - LP: R. Belisario 3 FINAL
Boston - WP: A. Miller 4
Washington - LP: G. Gonzalez 3 FINAL
Baltimore - WP: W. Chen 4
NY Yankees - LP: M. Thornton 3 FINAL
Cleveland - WP: C. Carrasco 9
Atlanta - WP: A. Harang 3 FINAL
NY Mets - LP: B. Colon 1
Pittsburgh - WP: E. Volquez 9 FINAL
St. Louis - LP: S. Miller 1
LA Angels - WP: H. Santiago 15 FINAL
Texas - LP: C. Lewis 6
Detroit - WP: D. Smyly 16 FINAL
Kansas City - LP: J. Guthrie 4
San Diego - LP: O. Despaigne 1 FINAL
Los Angeles - WP: C. Kershaw 2
Minnesota - WP: Y. Pino 4 FINAL
Seattle - LP: T. Wilhelmsen 2
Winnipeg 6:00 PM
Montreal
Ottawa 9:00 PM
Edmonton
Calgary 7/12/14 5:30 PM
Toronto
Brt Columbia 7/12/14 8:30 PM
Saskatchewan
Edmonton 7/17/14 7:30 PM
Winnipeg
Toronto 7/18/14 6:00 PM
Ottawa
Hamilton 7/18/14 9:00 PM
Calgary
Montreal 7/19/14 6:00 PM
Brt Columbia
Connecticut 68 FINAL
Indiana 72
Minnesota 91 FINAL
Tulsa 85

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