Michael Rand started RandBall with hopes that he could convince the world to love jumpsuits as much as he does. So far, he's only succeeded in using the word "redacted" a lot. He welcomes suggestions, news tips, links of pure genius, and pictures of pets in Halloween costumes here, though he already knows he will regret that last part.
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Timberwolves forward Robbie Hummel, who along with former Wolves forward Brian Cardinal accounts for half of all games ever played at Purdue, announced via Instagram a couple of days ago that he had finished work on a hip-hop album.
Did we want to believe it? Yes.
He even added some fake lyrics to a fake song along the way via Twitter.
Sadly, though, the dream is dead. Hummel is not, in fact, a rap star. It’s just another sports hoax. Probably the biggest one this week.
He’s just a basketball player with a wet jump shot and a good sense of humor. After announcing his “retirement” from rapping, he tweeted this on Thursday:
Haha ok since people still think I’m making a rap album…it was all a joke..I was in a studio recording a voiceover for a commercial.
If you ever get serious, Robbie, give us a call. We can find an old Casio and a surprising number of phrases that sort of rhyme with anterior cruciate ligament.
Maybe we shouldn’t be offended by this because we’re not the target market.
Or maybe — wait, probably … check that, definitely — it’s just simply offensive that in the year 2014, there is a fantasy football rating system, separated out for women, created by three sisters, sanctioned and promoted by ESPN on its “W” brand, that brags about the following:
You can find all sorts of incredible analysis and debate about whether Peyton Manning is a better pick than Aaron Rodgers, and we read all of it. But sometimes it feels like fantasy analysts end up competing over who can apply the most obscure stat to each player’s projections. Seriously, no one cares if a quarterback has the fifth-best completion percentage on balls thrown 38 or more yards down the field. Especially since he probably only does it once a game.
So we have tried to simplify things, and that’s why we have a simple relationship-based rating system that cuts through all of the clutter. LeSean McCoy and Calvin Johnson are two of the very best players in the game, so we consider them “Marriage Material” (elite players). Arian Foster and Andre Johnson? “Boyfriend Potential” (terrific catches). Wes Welker and Vernon Davis — “It’s Complicated” (pretty good placeholders until you find something better). And so on.
That’s right, ladies. Are those numbers and stats too complicated for your brains? Well, maybe if we dumb it down to a People Magazine-style HAWT or NAWT rating, you can crush the other dimwitted women in your league.
We showed it to a female co-worker, and before we even got to that excerpted part, she said, “I’m already offended.”
We imagine she’s hardly alone.
As near as we can tell from a report:
*Jesus Montero is on a rehab assignment with the Mariners’ AA affiliate.
*A scout employed by the Mariners was heckling him during a game.
*Montero went after him with a bat.
That’s just the summary. Here are a few grafs from MILB.com:
Seattle’s Jesus Montero was involved in an altercation during short-season Everett’s game at Boise on Thursday. The first baseman exchanged words with a Mariners crosschecker and reportedly had to be physically restrained while attempting to enter the stands with a bat during the argument.
Montero was coaching first base, and at the end of an inning, the unidentified crosschecker yelled at him to hustle off the field, according to Boise official scorer Liza Safford. Montero then headed to the AquaSox dugout on the third-base side.
According to a game offical, the crosschecker then ordered an ice cream sandwich and had it sent to Montero in the dugout, escalating the confrontation further. The official said Montero — who arrived at Mariners Spring Training 40 pounds overweight this season — approached the stands with a bat while screaming profanities and threw the sandwich at the crosschecker. Montero had to be pulled back from the stands by Everett pitching coach Nasusel Cabrera, Safford said.
Crosscheckers are intermediate-level scouts who verify the reports of regional scouts and pass on recommendations to their teams’ scouting directors.
This proves a point hammered home in The Big Lebowski: You don’t [redacted] with The Jesus.
Hopefully there is video of this somewhere, somehow. Please.
One interesting side note from the Jerry Jones/Adrian Peterson story that emerged Thursday is the notion of tampering — which the NFL has taken seriously to varying degrees in the past.
Jones, who fielded a phone call from Peterson that was reported on in an ESPN story, says he thinks he’s in the clear, per the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram:
“I understand the tampering thing, and you have to be an initiator,” Jones said. “It was good talking to [Peterson]. I’m a big admirer of him. We were talking about Texas. I really love his story, especially as to how it relates to his father. That’s mostly what we talked about. Certainly, that was about it.”
But does he really understand it? Pro Football Talk digs out the tampering language, and it sure sounds like even if Peterson called Jones, there could be trouble. Here is the rule, per PFT:
“If a club is contacted by a player (or his representative) who is under contract to or whose negotiating rights are held by another club, and such player had not been given permission to deal with other clubs, or such player is not in a permissible negotiating period under the terms of an operative collective bargaining agreement, then the contacted club is prohibited from talking or otherwise dealing with the player or his representative, and the contacted club must immediately report such contact to the owner or operating head of the club which holds the player’s rights.”
This was tweeted out by @alex_cono and passed along to us by Don Stoner over at Augsburg. It’s proof, not that you needed it, that Andrew Wiggins could ball as an 8th-grader. Here he is against Hopkins and Henry Sibley during a holiday tournament at Augsburg:
|Cincinnati||0||Bottom 1st Inning|
|Minnesota||0||Bottom 1st Inning|
|NY Yankees||0||Bottom 1st Inning|
|Philadelphia||0||Top 1st Inning|
|Boston||0||Top 1st Inning|
|Miami - T. Koehler||6:35 PM|
|Atlanta - E. Santana|
|Cleveland - D. Salazar||7:10 PM|
|Kansas City - J. Vargas|
|Detroit - J. Verlander||7:10 PM|
|Chicago WSox - S. Carroll|
|Texas - S. Baker||7:10 PM|
|Houston - B. Oberholtzer|
|Chicago Cubs - K. Hendricks||7:15 PM|
|St. Louis - S. Miller|
|Colorado - C. Bergman||8:40 PM|
|Arizona - J. Collmenter|
|Oakland - J. Lester||9:05 PM|
|LA Angels - J. Weaver|
|Los Angeles - D. Haren||9:10 PM|
|San Diego - A. Cashner|
|Washington - J. Zimmermann||9:10 PM|
|Seattle - F. Hernandez|
|Milwaukee - W. Peralta||9:15 PM|
|San Francisco - R. Vogelsong|
|Green Bay||9/4/14 7:30 PM|
|(21) Texas A&M||52||FINAL|
|(9) So Carolina||28|
|(18) Ole Miss||35|
|(19) Arizona State||45|
|BYU||7||1st Qtr 9:56|
|(6) Jacksonville St||6:30 PM|
|(8) Michigan State|
|Bowling Green||6:30 PM|
|TX-San Antonio||8:00 PM|
|Colorado State||8:00 PM|
|Penn State||8/30/14 7:30 AM|
|Troy||8/30/14 11:00 AM|
|(7) UCLA||8/30/14 11:00 AM|
|Western Mich||8/30/14 11:00 AM|
|(5) Ohio State||8/30/14 11:00 AM|
|Appalachian St||8/30/14 11:00 AM|
|Ga Southern||8/30/14 11:30 AM|
|Boston College||8/30/14 2:00 PM|
|West Virginia||8/30/14 2:30 PM|
|Rice||8/30/14 2:30 PM|
|(17) Notre Dame|
|(10) South Dakota St||8/30/14 2:30 PM|
|Fla Atlantic||8/30/14 2:30 PM|
|California||8/30/14 2:30 PM|
|Marshall||8/30/14 2:30 PM|
|UC Davis||8/30/14 3:00 PM|
|Arkansas||8/30/14 3:00 PM|
|(16) Clemson||8/30/14 4:30 PM|
|Liberty||8/30/14 5:00 PM|
|(23) North Carolina|
|Ohio U||8/30/14 5:00 PM|
|Louisiana Tech||8/30/14 6:00 PM|
|Idaho||8/30/14 6:00 PM|
|Stephen F Austin||8/30/14 6:10 PM|
|(20) Kansas State|
|Fresno State||8/30/14 6:30 PM|
|Southern Miss||8/30/14 6:30 PM|
|Texas-El Paso||8/30/14 7:00 PM|
|North Texas||8/30/14 7:00 PM|
|(1) Florida State||8/30/14 7:00 PM|
|(14) Wisconsin||8/30/14 8:00 PM|
|South Dakota||8/30/14 9:30 PM|
|(25) Washington||8/30/14 9:30 PM|
|Utah State||8/31/14 6:00 PM|
|SMU||8/31/14 6:30 PM|
|Miami-Florida||9/1/14 7:00 PM|
|Arizona||9/4/14 7:00 PM|
|Pittsburgh||9/5/14 6:00 PM|
|Washington St||9/5/14 9:30 PM|
|Sporting Kansas City|
|Winnipeg||8/31/14 3:00 PM|
|Toronto||9/1/14 12:00 PM|
|Edmonton||9/1/14 3:30 PM|
|Brt Columbia||9/5/14 6:30 PM|
|Calgary||9/6/14 6:00 PM|
|Hamilton||9/7/14 12:00 PM|
|Saskatchewan||9/7/14 3:00 PM|